Why mental health is like an old car.

 Right, let’s get something straight. When you hear the phrase "mental health," your brain might conjure up images of kale smoothies, incense sticks, and some bloke in yoga pants attempting to fold himself into an origami crane. And if that’s what you’re imagining, I’m sorry, but you’ve got it all wrong. Mental health isn’t about hugging trees or meditating in a field of daisies. It’s about keeping your noggin—the bit between your ears—running smoothly, like a well-tuned V8 engine. And trust me, it’s just as important as making sure your car doesn’t explode halfway down the M25.

So, let’s crack on, shall we? Here’s how to keep your mental gearbox in check, Clarkson style.

1. Know When You’re Overheating

Imagine you’re hammering along in your favorite motor, and suddenly, the temperature gauge starts creeping up. What do you do? Keep going until the engine seizes? Of course not. You pull over and let it cool down. Your brain works the same way. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or just plain knackered, don’t ignore it. Take a break. Watch an old episode of Top Gear  or go for a walk. Do something—anything—to take the pressure off. Because if you don’t, you’ll end up stranded on life’s hard shoulder, waiting for the AA man to tow you away.

2. Regular Maintenance is Key

You wouldn’t drive a car for years without an oil change, would you? (If you would, stop reading this immediately and book an appointment with a mechanic.) The same principle applies to your mental health. Regular maintenance is crucial. And no, I don’t mean going to a therapist every five minutes to cry about your childhood hamster. I mean finding things that keep you balanced. It could be gardening, tinkering with engines, or even—dare I say it—exercise. Personally, I find a brisk walk to the pub does wonders for my mood. Just don’t overdo it on the pints, or you’ll end up with more problems than you started with.

3. Avoid the Wrong Fuel

Putting diesel in a petrol car is a rookie mistake, but people do it all the time. And the same goes for your brain. Feeding it the wrong stuff—like endless doom-scrolling on social media or hanging around with people who make you miserable—is a surefire way to gum up the works. Instead, surround yourself with things that make you happy. Watch a good film. Listen to music that doesn’t sound like a dishwasher in distress. Spend time with people who make you laugh until your sides ache. Trust me, it makes a difference.

4. Don’t Ignore Warning Lights

Every car has a dashboard full of warning lights, most of which you’ve probably ignored at some point. But here’s the thing: they’re there for a reason. And so are the warning signs in your brain. If you’re feeling persistently low, anxious, or just not yourself, don’t brush it off. Talk to someone. It could be a mate, a family member, or even a professional. Yes, I know, the idea of opening up about your feelings sounds about as appealing as driving a Fiat Multipla, but it’s worth it. Because the alternative is much worse.

5. Find Your Open Road

Everyone needs an escape route. For me, it’s the open road. There’s something about getting behind the wheel, putting your foot down, and letting the scenery blur into oblivion that clears the mind like nothing else. But your open road might be different. It could be painting, fishing, cooking, or screaming into a pillow while imagining your boss’s face. Whatever it is, find it and make time for it. Because life’s too short to be stuck in traffic, metaphorically speaking.

6. Embrace the Banter

Laughter is the best medicine, they say. And while I’m not entirely convinced it’s a suitable replacement for antibiotics, it certainly helps. Surround yourself with people who can make you laugh. Share ridiculous stories, poke fun at each other, and don’t take life too seriously. That should do the trick.

7. Accept That Some Days Will Be Rubbish

Not every day can be a lap of the Nürburgring. Some days, you’ll wake up feeling like a clapped-out old banger that’s been left to rust in a scrapyard. And that’s okay. It’s normal. The key is not to dwell on it. Acknowledge that today might be a write-off, but tomorrow’s a new chance to hit the road again. And if tomorrow’s rubbish too, well, there’s always the day after.

8. Celebrate the Small Wins

Life’s not just about the big milestones. It’s also about the little victories—like finding a parking space right outside the shop or managing to assemble flat-pack furniture without threatening to burn it. Celebrate these moments. They might seem insignificant, but they’re the glue that holds everything together. And if you’re having a particularly rough time, focus on these small wins to remind yourself that not everything’s terrible.

9. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

I know, I know. Asking for help is about as appealing as driving a Morris Marina—it feels like admitting defeat. But here’s the thing: nobody gets through life alone. Even the best drivers have a pit crew. So, if you’re struggling, reach out. Whether it’s a mate, a family member, or a professional, there’s no shame in saying, "I need a hand." Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that people are far more willing to help than you think.

10. Remember: It’s Okay to Be Human

Finally, let’s dispel this ridiculous notion that we all have to be perfect. Nobody’s got it all figured out. Not me, not you, and certainly not the bloke who thought the Aztek was a good idea. We’re all just muddling through, doing the best we can. So, cut yourself some slack. You’re not a machine, and that’s a good thing. Because life—with all its ups, downs, and unexpected detours—is what makes us human.